When I keep breaking out into internal monologues, it’s a sign that I need to write to get out and above the swirl of thoughts.
I recently had an epic fail. It was just one of those things where ridiculously impossible things seem to happen one after another, and then an actual serious situation that slams the breaks on things. I had been looking forward to the trip all year Crater Lake, Mount Rainier, and Olympic National Park. I made it to Crater Lake, then Eugene, Oregon before ultimately setting my travel companions up to go on to Rainer without me. I had done most of the planning as I live on the West Coast and they were flying out from Florida. While there was some initial sadness, at the end of the day they definitely had plenty of fun without me. If I’m honest my not being there may have even made it more fun because I tend to be a bit more cautious in general.
The circumstances around the ending of the trip make it even harder to shake the depression. I tried talking about this with one of my travel companions, but I don’t think she quite gets that dragging my wife with me, who I am not even sure likes hiking, isn’t the same as the trip I was planning for at least 6 months with more adventurous folks.
It takes a lot of energy to try to include people who don’t want to be involved in the planning and just want to show up. Then get mad that they didn’t know all the details. Frankly the other travel champion was downright combative and kept reacting to me like she was expecting conflict. I got the feeling she was happy that it ended up just being the two of them. At this point I can’t spend anymore energy on it. I tried talking to my wife, but I wasn’t actually able to finish my sentence without words being put in my mouth.
I am light on the support system at the moment. My biological family can’t be bothered. I cut people off for choosing to be in a child molester’s life, and I’ve lost some friends due to my own fucking instability over the years. So here I am getting better, stronger, able to not adhere to toxic people, but I have few close friends. If I am honest with myself, I don’t feel like I have any close friends. I definitely have people in my life that care about my existence, but at the end of the day is anyone like: “Hey, I want to hang out with Luke.” I’m really not sure, and not being sure is fucking depressing. Sometimes my best friends are the fictional characters that I constantly revisit in books and role playing games. That’s why I find myself spilling this out to the ether of the Internet to anyone who wants to read my random little blog.
But as the Obama quote goes:
“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
It’s time to change my own situation. It’s time to put that energy out there and start meeting new people who like hiking and the various other things I like to do. Some folks who are ok with emotion, open and honest communication, and can handle themselves like adults. Y’all are out there, right?
Chestnut Cowboy 