The trials of making friends as an adult

I feel pretty pathetic at how few local friends I have — frankly close friends in general. I am embarrassed to admit that I have been running the gambit of social apps, including some that are ambiguous where you can specify: “looking for a friend.” But really 90% of people are looking for friends with benefits.

 I am an itchy and active person. I like to be out and about, I like to experience new things even if they seem dumb. I prefer nature but dig urban diversions as well. The majority of my long-term connections tend to enjoy tabletop and video games or watching videos as opposed to going to the beach or hiking, and some simply can’t because their health does not allow it. 

The one friend I have that can, will, and gets me lives 3,000+ miles away, so we can only get together so often, but we do and I am ridiculously grateful for that connection.

I know very well that my past inability to allow myself close connections manifested in me  employing push-me, pull-me tactics that got in the way of me keeping some good friends that I regret immensely. After Priscilla died I was depressed AF — fuck that’s an understatement. I was emotionally devastated. I started having weird physical symptoms. I couldn’t function or maintain relationships. I retreated inward, and fuck, 13 years later I would be a liar if I said it still didn’t affect me to some extent. But I know I must move on if I am going to ever have those kinds of connections again. 

Most recently I have been using Bumble to try to find friends, because even though one dude straight up asked me if I wanted to talk to him while he jacked off in the shower, I managed to find dudes that really aren’t looking to hook up. 

Unfortunately of those who don’t just drop off after saying “Hi how are you?”:

Dude #1. Got creepily needy and expected me to answer his texts right away and got jealous I had gone on trips with past friends before we had even met in-person. And of course got very defensive and blocked me when I said I wasn’t okay with that. 

Dude #2. Seemed like a real possible match to the point we were going to meet in person until he told me he couldn’t get vaccinated because it could possibly kill his father because the vaccine is contagious, to the point of insisting doctors had said this — despite all the scientific evidence otherwise. 

Going forward I’m going to avoid the apps. After doing some self-analysis I realized that I kept coming back to this cyclic pattern of moving from app to app and even trying some of the same ones out, because I was addicted to feeling like someone wanted to get to know me. However, for me it’s impossible to know if I am compatible with someone based on surface commonalities.

Now instead of navigating the ambiguity of social apps and possible unwanted dick pics, I joined a local activity club. Similar to Meet Up, but the groups tend to be smaller and it is all active stuff and all you have to do it pay a small fee and show the fuck up. Hopefully in going to these events I will be able to make some friends the old fashioned way while knocking out some bucket list items.