I have attempted so many times to post a well-thought out, non-emotionally-charged post on LinkedIn about some of my experiences in corporate work environments where racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic speech and behavior have been quietly swept under the rug.
From defending another kid in a childhood fist-fight, to sending recordings of myself to the White House demanding whales be protected and recycling be mandatory, ever since I was a young kid I have always been bent on social justice and protecting the environment. It is just not something I can be unemotional about.
After posting something for a few minutes to hours, I end up taking it down. But there may be other folks like me who are either cis or have passing privilege that feel stuck between wanting to say something and not wanting to kill their career, so I figured a personal blog post would be the way to go.
Growing up, I was taught not to be a “nark.” Speaking out against someone doing something that is harmful to another has long been ignored in our society, especially if it has to do with verbal harassment. It is the American default to brush verbal assault away as if only physical harassment causes damage to the person experiencing it.
It has been hard to fight that gut instinct. In my 20’s I sat by as I watched co-workers steal, come to work intoxicated, and force gender stereotypes without saying a word. After all, no one wants the embarrassment of “being called out.” So we avoid doing so to others. However, saying something doesn’t necessarily have to be public.
If you feel comfortable enough, often talking directly to the person is really the best way to go. Most people do not want to be offensive, and those folks should be allowed a learning opportunity to change. Those who don’t care whether or not they may be hurting others will be obvious from the start by how they react to being spoken to directly about it. In my experiences going to HR has been largely ineffective and resulted in a lot of resentment on my part towards the respective companies. I am NOT saying don’t go to HR, I am simply relaying my personal, limited experience.
At two of the positions I have held in the past five years I have experienced co-workers using racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic speech. In one experience it was my supervisor and I chose not to speak to them directly. In this instance, I really wish I would have gone to them directly instead. I think a lot of relationships could have been preserved. However, the complete disregard on so many occasions built up, and I was furious one day when they went too far for my comfort. I went directly to our manager who in turn had no choice but to go to HR. This individual admitted to everything right away, and seemed to regret their actions — I have always regretted not talking to them first. I also regretted not saying something sooner, before it would have been a laundry list of offensives. It gives the individual the false sense that the behavior is not ok, and resulted in me being too pent up about to discuss it rationally with the individual. The next experience I had, I decided to talk to the person directly before any escalation. This second person was also a manager of mine. I went to them directly multiple times and each time they were extremely dismissive, condescending, and told me to “not be so sensitive.” After the fourth attempt, I went directly to HR.
On both occasions, once HR knew, the friendships I had built with co-workers were pretty much trashed. Even when there is supposed to be anonymity, identities are inevitably revealed. Some folks were supportive, some were quiet, and others pretended to not care while slowly icing me out. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and completely demoralizing.
In both occasions, HR failed to reinforce their supposed values with additional training or even an email reminder on the various kinds of behavior that are not acceptable in the workplace. I moved on from both companies as soon as I could.
I am lucky, however, because I have privilege, the career fallout that has happened from sounding the alarm has been fairly minimal and mostly only affected my network size.
It has also given me tremendous empathy for those still feeling stuck wanting to say something or to defend someone but are too afraid to. Even for those situations outside of the work place we are taught so much to avoid conflict, people tend to not to stick up for others — especially not strangers.
I think if more people admitted that being the person to say something often results in being treated like the kid that reminds the teacher they forgot to collect the homework for the day, rather than some kind of Paul Revere that there would be less shaming in both directions. Just look at Christine Blasey Ford receiving death threats and not able to resume her teaching position years after speaking out against now Justice Kavanaugh. Those who say something are often left in a wake of personal consequences. It is important that more action is taken so that the harassment and judgment of those different from us is no longer acceptable in our society, and more people will not fear retaliation at pointing out injustices in and out of the workplace.
Chestnut Cowboy 