My wife was super sick with a head cold that I brought home from work, so our plans to go to the Hello Kitty Cafe in Santana Row after seeing Sailor Moon S for her birthday were foiled. As a result, she was reduced to a pre-made Whole Foods cake with Betty Crocker poke-a-dot candles and a stuffed narwhal as a consolation prize.
At our local Whole Foods, there are always a few people panhandling. Lately, there has been a man who I would guess is in his fifties outside almost everytime I go. He definitely looks like he has a hard life. Whether or not he is homeless it is hard to say, but considering the increasing amount of people being pushed out of what was once affordable housing, I would not be surprised. He is in a wheelchair and always very dirty. He never follows you or asks you verbally for money, he just silently holds his sign. With the stability in my life to leave a job I loved because I felt my company was unethical, I made it a point to give him cash whenever I had it.
But this particular time I was hesitating to give this man the 2 bucks in my wallet. Not because I thought he was unworthy or didn’t’ need it. When I first walked by him, I told myself “on the way out.” Then on the way out my hands were so full, I wanted to drop the stuff off in my car before giving him the money. When I got back to my car and I put the groceries in, I hesitated simply because I did not want to walk the 50 feet or so through the parking lot. I actually sat there in my car and tried to rationalize to myself why it would be ok to NOT go back and give him the 2 bucks. I sat there for maybe 5 minutes hemming and hawing on whether or not to go back. I felt anxious and sick to my stomach. I knew that I was attempting to rationalize not making the moral decision.
Finally, I evoked my conscious and quite literally slapped myself on the hand and said: “You are disgusting. You are about to go have cake with your wife, and you can’t take 5 minutes to give him the money?” I try to be in the habit of calling myself out to force myself to improve.
I chastised myself the whole walk through the parking lot to give the guy the money. I was truly disgusted with my hesitation and attempt and rationalization. When I gave him the money I felt aligned again; I knew at my core it was the right thing to do and told myself not to be such a spinless prat in the future.
Chestnut Cowboy 